I only have one thing to say. Bring back Tito.
Right, that’s got your attention. No we’re not talking about Walsall Council elections here, something far more important. Warning, this article contains flippant remarks that are present solely for the purpose of amusement, if you find them in any way offensive or in bad taste as they may refer to issues that I accept are wholly more serious then don’t read on.
Watched with increasing despondency last night the results of the Eurovision semi-final. We really like Eurovision in our house, I know it’s not to everyone’s liking, more outright hatred from some but we enjoy it.
Anyone who follows Eurovision will have noticed the development of a particular axis of power when it comes to voting that has come about over the past decade. That of the ‘Balkan block’. Jon has a nice little graph over at his website that represents this quite well. Put simply, last night quite a lot of crap got through (crap even by Eurovision standards that is) to the final on the back of various little countries who used to be part of one country all voting for each other.
One has to wonder whether all the conflicts these countries have had over various parts of the last 15 years wasn’t just simply a ruse to split up so they could maximise their votes and stitch up Eurovision. What possible other explanation could there be for countries who’s people up to a few years ago were trying to blow each other brains out, suddenly feeling so inclined towards each other to spread the most points to each other?
So there you go, thanks to the expansion of the Former Yugoslav Republic’s of we want our street to be a different country to your street, we have a completely stitched up voting system in Eurovision and the constant presence of crappy south eastern European acts.
However, there is a solution, a way we could bring pride back to our own fair isle, it’s simple. We break up the Union. So let’s think about it, obviously there’s Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, that gives us a combined voting power with England of 48 votes. Still a bit on the short side to really stitch things up. OK, how about Cornwall, its got its own flag and some people can still speak the language, that’s 60 votes, and, erm, the Shetland Isles and Orkney, that’s us up to 84 votes but that still a bit tight for Eurovision domination. Isle of Wight can declare independence as well to boost us up to 96 votes in total. I think we’re running a bit thin on options now. Hang on, there’s always the Falkland Islands, no doubt they’ll argue they’re not in Europe but neither is Israel and they let them into the competition.
Our only option is a complete dissolution of the Union so that we can take 108 votes into Eurovision and break up the power of the Balkan Eurovision empire, and there you go, about the most convincing and coherent argument you’ll ever hear for the breaking up the Union.
On a side note, I’m going to be interested to see how the voting goes between Estonia and Russia this year. Usually you can guarantee a good few votes passed between them but although Russia’s bound to get a fair few from Estonia, hey the Government can stitch things up to disenfranchise a large swath of its own population of Russian ethnic origin but it can’t stop them owning phones. Whether Russia will be so inclined to return them this year is going to be interesting see.
I have a confession. I love Eurovision. I know many love it and many hate it, it’s the musical equivalent of Marmite.
However, with absolute despair I watched the contest to pick our entry this year. In fairness I hardly ever watch it because our propensity for picking absolute shite is renown.
Enter this years lambs, sorry cutting edge pop group who are going to bring back the glory to Britain with a collection of dodgy air steward/hostess costumes and implied references to oral sex and taking it up the arse.
Perhaps it’s a British thing that we don’t take European matters seriously but others do and while we continue to troop out halfwitted banal crap like this then quite frankly we deserve the pitiful amount of votes that we receive year after year.
Anyway, if you want to know what we’re up against go here. The Penguin household’s votes will be going to Finland again this year. Perhaps a few sad sods in Ireland might give us a couple, who knows, but we don’t deserve them.